A few months back, I was talking to God, and I specifically heard him tell me to simplify. Now I don't consider myself all that complicated, but I do have a smartphone that I depend upon, a computer (obviously) that I use daily and the comforts of a middle class home (minus the overbearing beheamoth in every room of the home, otherwise known as a TV... ours still has a tube and sits on a table in the corner of the living room).
Anyway, in this conversation, He pointed out ways in which I make my life more difficult by using the so-called conveniences of the day, like my computer to schedule appointments or add in new contacts for my business, hoping they will somehow pair with my smart phone (hey, it's smart, right???). He showed me how it was that I had been spending so much time trying to get it to work, that I didn't have time for other wonderful things... like hang out with my beautiful 15 year old of an evening after her homework was finished, or sit and watch a movie with my husband after dinner.
I really struggled daily with trying to make the machines talk to each other, or back up into the "cloud", this nebulous thing that kind of floats above the earth that contains a gazillion bits of data from everyone.... I have no idea how that works, and it makes my brain hurt just thinking about it. So that is what I call my epiphanous moment: that day where I decided to go manual... I had no idea that it would lead to where I am now, just 7 months later.
But I really have to back up a bit to paint the whole picture for my friends who are reading this: My husband and I have just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. and I wasn't sure just two years ago we would make it. We were struggling. I was depressed. He felt unappreciated. We fought all the time. The ONLY thing we had going for us was the ability to please each other sexually, and we didn't do that very often at all, because who wants to jump in the sack with someone you can't stand to be around, right? Anyway, without getting too much further into THAT, suffice it to say that he and I tossed around the "D" word several times, took turns sleeping in the guest bedroom, and he even set up an apartment for himself, but he couldn't follow through because we couldn't afford it.
Believe me when I say that if that was the only way he would honor me, I'll take it.
In the mean time, I looked for every way I could to escape. I searched for jobs from Alaska to Virginia, hoping to get something good enough to move Abi and I out and go wherever my husband wasn't. I settled on a job right here in Kitsap County, and spent so much time doing it, so that I wouldn't have to make dinner, and pretend we were a family around the table except once or twice a week. I worked as many hours as I could.... many for free, just so I wouldn't have to face my husband daily. I found ways to get out of the house, by encouraging Abi to get involved in several different activities, that I would have to drive her to.... hey, it got me out of the house, and that awkwardness where my husband is sitting in the living room playing games on his computer, while I tried to escape into whatever work I could do at home for my job.
Well, then... all of a sudden, my boss decides that I am not earning what he pays me, and sets some pretty high standards that could not be filled, let alone verified... (vague I know, but a topic that will garner more detail in another blog)... so I quit/ got fired. I left that day wondering what to do, and so I started a new business... I felt pretty inspired, and the best part about it was that being an entrepreneur would take me away from my house for so many more hours, that I practically never was home. And when I was, well I was so engulfed in taking care of whatever needed to be done that I really wasn't home.
Through all of this, I was going to church and participating with members of the church in ways that I never had before. I made friends with all manner of sisters whom I LOVE! I shared with them my challenges and struggles. I began praying and they prayed with me that God would restore my marriage. I began hearing little snippets of God's direction... but not in words... just in a feeling or a push to go in a certain direction. I really felt lifted, and I knew His presence, but I didn't quite understand that it was my choice to walk into that presence, I thought it was something He graced me with when He was pleased with me.
Well, things started really going downhill during a time that I was meeting with one of the elder women in the church. I was really surrounding myself with positive, uplifting people but as soon as my husband would get home, my God-glow would dissipate, and I would fall into that defensive mode... trying to save my marriage by confronting my husband with what I saw as failures. Not just his, but mine too... I just wanted to talk about them all. He would have none of that. He had no desire to save what we had, and I could tell he had given up. His words to me were never encouraging. His actions were never uplifting. He did not love, honor or cherish me.
And one day, I simply couldn't walk down that road with him into the screaming match that these confrontations typically ended in. I packed a bag, loaded my car and left. I didn't know for sure where I would go, but I knew that I was not alone, and I knew that God was giving me courage. This was the first time in my life that I heard God actually speaking to me, AND I had the faith required to do what He was asking of me, and to trust that He was in control. It was transformational.
The road trip I took gave me some serious time where I simply listened to God, and was amazed that He thought me worthy of His wisdom. I didn't just "feel" His presence, but I heard his voice as if He were sitting in the passenger seat. We had conversations, and as scared as I was for the future of my marriage, I was at peace with me. OK, so how does all this fit with simplicity? Well, please be patient... in all of these mini stories (which will later become blogs of their own), there is a direction. On of the loudest things God said to me was, "Why are you trying so hard to control the things that it is MY job to fix? Sit back and be my servant, and I will restore your marriage."
"What does that mean?" I asked. He said, "Simplify your life. Be my servant. Serve your husband as I have called you to do, and I will restore your marriage." With that He sent me home.... Another blog topic for sure!
"Simplify" my life. OK.... well, in my business I spent so much time restoring data that had lost back to my computer, going to chamber and networking events and otherwise justifying how I used up every hour of every day, leaving nothing for my relationships that I could have filled a day planner, a Rolodex and had plenty of time to take care of and serve my husband AND daughter in ways I had never dreamed of. So I started asking God to show me ways to change.
He started with very simple things, like inspiring me to get up and send my husband out the door with a good breakfast and lunch, as well as a kiss and "I love you" each day. His heart was not quite open to it at first, but i counted on God's word that He would restore my marriage. I stopped working when my husband came home from work and just spent time in the same space as him. Even if he was still just playing his computer games, I found other things to do in that space... in case conversation occurred. God slowly but surely brought my husband back to me. And me back to my husband.
We decided that it was time to think about buying a home. I know this doesn't seem like simplifying, but I simply trusted God's bigger plan. He gave us the perfect home! He caused the financing to work out exactly as our budget would allow! Seriously, the miracles that were present during this whole process were amazing to behold. This is the first time that I actually experienced God's work in the here and now, and not just as hindsight.... even though my faith did falter a bit (another blog for the future), God's blessings were abundant and blatantly evident in this situation.
Once we moved in, my business just kind of took a back seat to making my home something that my husband could be proud of... something that our daughter would not be ashamed to bring her friends to... some place that I could invite my Christ Sisters to and enjoy each other's company and fellowship.
I started spending more and more time building the home I had always dreamed of. God's inspiration and direction included really getting back to basics.... ending my Facebook account so that I don't waste so much time and energy on things that don't matter; drastically reducing the time I spend listening to talk radio and perusing conservative websites; He has been so clear about me getting back into relationship with Him, and really relating to Him.... Waiting patiently for His voice, direction and knowing through it all that He loves me and has a plan... that I only have to follow Him to be happy.
Simplify. For me, it has meant service to others; to my husband, my daughter, my church... but mostly my God. The service I do for my God includes simply honoring HIM..... Obeying HIM..... When I do those things, He rewards me with so much more than I can possibly express in a blog.... but I will try, another day.
Guiding Scriptures:
Romans 2:13“For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God’s sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous.”
John 14:23-24“Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
